The Lion and the Tiger


The Lion and the Tiger

– By Wongawong

In the beginning there was the Ultimate Ruler. They called him The Lucky I. King Lucky ruled a massive land that stretched from as far as the desert sands of the Wadi to the mangrove darknesses of the delta. The land was rich in minerals – one most sought after,  a certain ‘black gold’ was the reason why many contests had been fought for the throne on which the Lucky One now sat. 

Others had been there before, from the north, and from the west, Generals, teachers and farmers. Wars had been fought, the kingdom had been divided, blood had been spilt, tribes and families had been split. But none before had come from the east, and none from the land where this ‘black wonder’ was first discovered. King Lucky 1 was the first. He did not want to be the last.
But there was trouble in the land, so he called his Ministers Council to the Green Table – the table that met under the Rock. They all came – the ministers, the minister-of States, the senate, representatives, the special assistants, the secretaries, the councillors and their advisers, in their big cars, big agbadas, bowler hats and babanrigas. It reminded one of the Ali Baba regale – plus 40 thieves et al!
“How do we begin?” the Ultimate Ruler began. “Our land is no longer safe. The people are rising against us. We are running out of money, abi, Ngo?”
Madame Prime Minister was caught quite unaware – “Oga, Sir, er…er…Yes, b-b-but we have overcome that phase now. Everything has quietened down. There are no more riots – the labour people are solidly behind us now.”
“But that is what you said before, you said I should remove this subsidy thing, that nothing will happen. See what happened? If not for General here (acknowledges Chief of Army) I would have been removed by an ordinary pastor. Can you imagine? Did you hear the songs they were singing – Oh, I forgot you do not understand Yoruba. Ruby! Ruby! Oya translate that song they were singing at that Ojota place that day for this woman…”
“Anyway you can do that later. What I mean is that the embarrassment is getting too much, even Queen Patience is complaining that at some functions she attends, it is either they forgot the microphone behind at State House, or the loudspeaker is not working!” Can you imagine?”
“B-b-but, Sir…” That was the Minister of Black Gold attempting to come to the defence of her senior – though at times it is hard to tell the most senior betwixt the two. “Things are back to normal…”
“Shut up! Normal koo, normality nii. Is it you that has to apologise for every bomb that Boko Haram is throwing, eh? In fact, where is that pressman that I appointed to advise me? Ruby? Did I appoint you to be giving me the same script every time there is a bomb explosion? Which degree did you say you have, sef? Have you been reading all these Facebook people – they are even releasing my statements before I read the speech! Or have you gone back to your lecturing days – releasing ‘expo’ to your students?”
“I have decided to now become a lion and a tiger together. The British people have agreed to take over the Army, and new committees and task forces will take over the ministries. That is what I will do.”
At that point, FCT Minister leans over and whispers into King Lucky the First’s ears: “Sir, don’t forget, no more Maitama – it is now Goodluck district.”
The Lucky One beams a wide grin. “Yes, that is true, so I must also now appoint one more Ministry. It will be called the Ministry for the Coordination of Committees and Task forces, and the new minister is…”
Before he could complete the speech, a loud explosion was heard from the courtyard, and again,
By the time the security had finally discovered the explosion was from a diesel petrol tanker that had come to supply the Rock, which had burst two of its tires, the Green Room was empty!
Lion and Tiger, indeed!